10 + 1 Tips on Dealing With Difficult Breakups and painful Losses

When it comes to grief, and heartbreak there really is not a ‘silver bullet’ to dealing with it. We are all different. We hurt differently. Some more than others. Others a little less. Some people have learnt to better deal with it. But the reason for this post is that, when you are hurting, you can’t say what you don’t want to do or what you want to do. You really want to know and do the next right thing that will help you feel better. These are 10 practical steps:

1. There are five stages in grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I am not saying you should ‘come to terms’ with what has happened yet, What I’m saying here is that you should come to terms with your own emotions and be honest with yourself and where you stand. You can’t trick your heart into caring less or not caring at all. Admit you’re hurt, you’re broken, you’re not okay.
2. Express your emotions. This is a lot easier for some other people than for others. If you need to cry, do so!
3. Share your grief, with someone or with a loving community. You cannot afford to carry some hurts alone. You have to let people know that you’re not okay. You have to let someone know how you feel. You should be able to have a trusted person who you can ‘let it all out’ to or who you can vent to. A loving community like a church group will help at this time.
4. There are five stages of grief, and some quickly find acceptance soon enough. Well for others it might take a little while. It’s okay if you’re not okay yet. Know that this might take a little while. But on another note, God didn’t mean for us to continue healing our whole life. At some point you actually should’ve healed. It’s amazing what a year can do to your life (I am not saying it will take that long!)
5. Love rejected shouldn’t be suspended. It only has to be re-directed. They’re so many people out there that need your love, and daily, people are there that you can be a blessing to. That you can give that time, attention. When you understand that love is selfless, you will gain more fulfilment from life. You have to get over yourself and your own pain to be a blessing to some other people. That’s your purpose! And purpose might not totally remove pain, but it will definitely reduce it.
6. Be careful what you do in your period of grief. Grief can drive a lot of people to make lots of dumb decisions that they’ll tend to regret all their lives. realise that this is a very vulnerable point for your life. Do not do anything you wouldn’t be proud of; don’t go seeking sexual gratification from all the wrong places, don’t go into into alcohol and revelling, porn, there’s just so many temptations that the devil may bring. This is not the time for that! You shouldn’t throw away your life, destiny, morals, standards because you’re in pain.
7. Do not quickly jump into another relationship with somebody after a huge breakup. This is a time to hear and learn from God, so that you’ll know why the last marriage, relationship, or what have you, didn’t work, and how the next one will be much better. Don’t hang with the wrong people just because you’re lonely!
8. Forgive! This seems like the hardest, but yet the one to bring the most peace. And the best way to do this is to start by praying for the person that hurt you, anytime you start thinking bitter thoughts. Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting it to kill the other person. You’ll hurt a lot more, and for longer if you still decide to hold grudges in your heart against them. Hate is a huge burden to bear. i am sticking with love! you should too! and P.s you don’t have to prove anything to anybody!
9. DO NOT lose your individuality to someone else. Do not lose ‘you’ because of us. You have your own life too! your own dreams and aspirations! you are an individual! Be inspired and get excited by your life. God has great plans for you. Do not give yourself so into somebody else that you lose you! Your pain can also prepare you for your destiny. Some people have monetized breakups by singing songs, putting the pain into words, and now they’re millionaires. I am saying you still have a great life and future irregardless. That should get you excited. Let your pain prepare you for your future, not stop you from it!
10. Do not become a bitter person. Life’s experiences should make you better not bitter. Do not carry a truckload and baggage from how you’ve been wrongly treated, and allow that to change your view about the world, about helping people. There’s still people out there that are great! there’s still people out there that will love you selflessly, there’s people out there that don’t have to pay for what someone else did to you. Be kind, loving, still. Don’t let the world kill your smile, your happy.
11. Finally, God is ever close to the broken hearted.Cling to Him! Draw near to Him and His word, even in this painful moment of your life. He’ll lead and guide you and comfort you. He’ll always tell you what to do next, He’ll help you heal, He’ll take the pain away I know this!

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10 Reasons Why you Should Meet the Boy Your Daughter is Dating

It all depends on what you would define as 'dating' and many parents would have many many reservations on this topic, but I think you should want to know more about the boy your daughter is 'closest' with. Why, you know and could have met her closest female friend right? Not everyone is interested in the opposite sex at a young age, but the period when the hormones start shouting, you should be right by her side, and create an atmosphere of candour, and openness, whatever you do. Your daughter should be secure enough to know that you're okay with her hanging with a boy as a very 'close friend'.
So, reasons why you should meet this boy:

1. You have to know the boy to his house, parents, school and all. Trust me this will come in handy some day
2. It is easier to judge the intentions of people from up close! Now it is good for him to have such interest in your daughter provided the purpose is good. You can judge that when you meet with him.
3. Knowing that you are aware of their relationship will make any boy treat your daughter, with far more respect.
4. You can always set the guidelines, rules and boundaries for the relationship with them from the beginning. Of course purity is the key word here.
5. Knowing and accepting your daughter's relationship beats the alternative; not accepting, and not knowing! really now.
6. It develops a closer relationship, trust and respect for daddy from daughter, and now she can tell you anything about the relationship, and you could always intervene.
7. If your daughter can let you know about her relationship, there's few things that she won't let you know about. And as a father, you want to know a lot about your daughter trust me.
8. The relationship with a girl and her father builds her self esteem, because a father is not someone that would ever decide to walk out on his daughter. A girl would definitely realise this more when you're involved in this aspect of her life.
9. It saves your daughter the stress ( and it's a whole amount of stress) of living a secret life, making furtive and clandestine moves and unacceptable secret meetings.
10. It is important to be by your daughter's side, guiding her through the period of infatuation or maybe it could actually be love. It doesn't help when you just make rigid rules and laws and bans. Chances are that she won't listen, because feelings can be real...yup! they could get real, and the advice she should get from you she'll get from the wrong crowd; bad friends, rappers, musicians e.t.c and when you're more concerned about dropping rules and laws and not knowing how your daughter actually feels, hearing her out, talking to her honestly and gently about it, you create a real struggle for her. And the story doesn't just end because you gave a law. I'm being real.

Well this is all I have. My opinion really. This blog post should have been, do you allow your daughter date? at what age? what do you mean by dating? that's really up to your instincts at the end, after you've read this. What do I know? I know a lot! It isn't healthy to give your daughter a wrong impression about the opposite sex, or no impression at all. But at the end of the day, the most important thing is that you should be able to talk about this and many other things with your daughter in a calm and loving atmosphere. Of course I'm hoping that by the time she would have reached this stage of wanting a relationship, or whatever you'll call it, you would have trained her well enough to know the sort of people she ought to hang out with! and so you can trust her decisions. Of course, mums are colossally important in this process, but that might have to be another blog post! :) peace y'all.

What I just talked about is in the ideal world of course, and this is how I'm definitely going to go about it when I'm a dad! :)

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Read’n Right

more tips in the video

Are you a science student? still in high (secondary) school? are you looking to be successful in your final school exams: WAEC, NECO, IGCSE, JAMB e.t.c? then this is for you! I would just like to share a few tips that would be hugely beneficial to you, especially if you’re in your senior years (ss1, ss2 and ss3). In the video preview above, I shared practical steps that you can use to tackle the reading problem. So very succinctly I would like to recap below.

• Text-ing

Nooo not that kind you do with your phone, this is different. It is important, necessary, exigent, appropriate, inevitable, infact I’m running out of vocabulary. But I cannot over-emphasize how important it is to use you textbooks. yeah, that’s the sort of text-ing I’m talking about Text-book. Get it? I would like to say at this point in very clear terms, that if you’re going to really excel, you can’t keep reading off only things your teacher gives you as notes. How are you going to tell me that you’re a science student, studying Chemistry, Physics, and you don’t read your textbooks on your own? it is almost impossible! before long, you will be shocked at how much information you are bereft of, how much knowledge you lack. How are you going to depend solely on what your teacher gives you, when he/she gets part of what he gives you from the textbook? but you can read the textbook on your own and get ALL of the information, and not some of what the teacher feels you need! Reading your science textbooks opens your mind to how ignorant you are.That’s the hard truth. But you don’t have to keep being ignorant, that’s why you’re reading the textbooks in the first place. And you have to cover all of them before you start writing your final exams. Well yes, very true; you have to.

PS: I am in no form, disparaging the work, and efforts of a teacher. Infact most times, you find yourself in a place where you need the teacher to introduce a topic to you, before you can even fully grasp anything in the textbook. You also need the teacher to explain whatever you come across in the textbook that isn’t very clear to you. Reading your textbooks on your own, should compliment the work of the teacher, and not replace.

There’s a little something I’d like to do here. I’m supposed to be paid for this, but never mind. I’d like to recommend some textbooks for you, proven and tested by the best, that’ll really help you. You see, the title of this is ‘Readin’ Right’ you need to know how to do it the right way. You will waste valuable reading time, when you consume the wrong material. Some authors have really done their job well, and have really simplified things for students. You don’t  want to have to figure out the textbook, before figuring out chemistry or Physics. I think this author has done a really good job: Solomon Dauda Yakwo; Calculations in Physics, the book is dope. Of course you must have to supplement that with your New school Physics by…. For your Chemistry, still stick with your New School Physics by Ababio and Calculations in Physics by Charles Asemota. Maths, read Everything you can! I am of the opinion that; of course we’re talking Nigerian syllabus, and WAEC, NECO in perspective, if you just focus on these only, you’ll be more effective. It’s very simplified and concise.

• Sticky notes

When it comes to science subjects, they’re lots and lots of, infact tons of formula. And there’s no running away from them, you just have to know it. And you know that it’s very difficult, if not impossible to get a hang of all of them, you know keep them all in your head and remember easily. So this method is very efficient; write down all your formula in sticky notes! Physics, Chemistry, Mathematics, all of them. It’s easy to refer back to them time and again, and it’s portable. Means you can carry them about, virtually any and everywhere. When you make it a habit, to keep looking at these formulas that you’ve written, (with your own hand writing please!) they start sticking and after a while, formula won’t be a problem for you. You will virtually know them. It’s just that simple. What you keep seeing sticks! that’s why they’re called STICKY notes. lol I’m just playing.

•  Jotting

Now, very closely related to using sticky notes, as I talked about above, is jotting. Yes jotting. Jotting involves the whole caboodle. It’s all encompassing. Having settled the textbook affair, because you definitely have to read them, and regularly for that matter, but as I said earlier; what you keep seeing sticks! you have to realise something. Most times, valuable information is in between lines. Yes in between lines. It’s easy to miss them but they’re important. Think of this as a summary. Have a note book, for each of your science subjects, and after reading each topic, whatever you think would be vital, jot down. Textbooks these days are getting fancier and easier to read, but you can’t keep referring to them all the time. It can be a drag sometimes, looking for something that seems to be lost in the textbook. But Jotters are for ‘quickies’ maybe when you’re answering past questions, or just general revision. It gives you the vital and necessary information about that topic, without bothering you unnecessary information, having earlier jotted. Which will take me to my next point.

• Past Questions

When you’ve started following the steps above, only when and after, those steps, should you contemplate this step and not before. Don’t start answering questions when you don’t know all about that topic. You have to review what you’ve read, learnt and known. School they say, doesn’t test intelligence, but memory.Sometimes you think you know, and maybe you do, but what do the examiners want from you? you don’t give them what you know per se, you give them what they ask for. This is the test. Most of the textbook I listed above have questions after each topic. When you’re satisfied with how much you know in any particular topic, attempt ALL questions in that topic that you can find. You don’t want to have to enter the exam hall knowing a whole lot, about a particular topic, but the questions make no sense to you. That’s a huge waste of reading time, because you didn’t know what was required of you from that topic. For instance motion. when you’ve read everything about motion, projectiles, formulas and all, answer questions given in the textbook, and in other textbooks. Also, go to your past WAEC, NECO, JAMB, IGCSE questions and look for questions in that topic and answer them! The truth is that, these question recycle themselves, and they’ll come in your next test or exam, but in another form!

• More tips and final Advice

Finally, I’d like to add here, that whatever you do, make sure that before you start reading you have an idea of exactly what you want to cover. Don’t just read with a vague idea of so many things. If you’re reading your Physics, for instance, have it in mind before you ever start that you’d like to cover a certain topic, or area in a topic. That way, you’re able to systematically cover your textbook. Don’t just read some from this topic, that topic and so on, except you’re revising.

Again, find what motivates you. For me, I think it’s important to find your space and what works for you. They are some environments that are absolutely impossible to read in. You’ll just be deceiving yourself if you say you’re reading in such places. Some people can read on the bed, others can’t, some people can read with others chatting in the background, others can’t, some people can stay late into the night, others can’t. Some people, food works for them, that is while reading, others will like bright lights around them. Find your space and what works for you.

I’d be honest, it’s not everytime you’ll feel like reading, or that you’ll have perfect conditions, but it’s mind over matter…what does that even mean? But I think that it’s important to have people around you, that will not only inspire you, but will literally force you to read at some points. It’s also highly important to take advantage of every reading time you have. Anytime you sit down to read, be true to yourself that you’ll achieve something before you finish. After a while, when you’re answering questions in class, passing tests, answering past questions, it becomes far easier to read, because it’s frustrating to keep reading and see no results, but now you’re seeing results, and boy do they come quickly.

Finally, I’ll say set milestones or little goals for yourself. The aim is to complete your textbooks (you definitely have to) go through all your past questions and all that. When you set daily, weekly, monthly goals for yourself, you’ll achieve them, and you’ll be smarter and happier. I advocate for starting early enough. Start doing these things now! follow these steps today! They’re not that hard. And you don’t have to start reading for 1 hour, but start with 15 minutes. Start small and very soon you’ll be hitting reading times you never imagined; that’s the joy of knowledge. Start as early as you can, you don’t have to wait till you’re in ss3, the earlier the better. These things are meant to be covered over a long period of time, and not rushed into your head all at once.

Science is fun. It’s not that hard. Get over hating it, or being afraid. Open up your mind to the countless possibilities. For me, I believe anybody can study Physics and Chemistry. It’s pertinent to pay attention to all I’ve said above, and boom, there you are. Before long, you’ll be loving these subjects, and not only that, you’ll be passing them too! You can hit me for any questions. You can really succeed.

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The price of Loyalty

We live in a world, where loyalty is underrated, and every sense of loyalty is eroded. This is most remarkable and can be clearly seen when it comes to situations for instance in the Church, Politics, normal social scenes and what have you. We are all too familiar with cases where usually the wiser, more influential pundit in a particular field, ‘mentors’ help the upcoming but obviously talented novice, and schools and teaches that fellow the ropes, rules and rudiments of that very field.

Fast forward a few years, the same set piece almost every time. The novice is not a novice anymore, no longer upcoming, but successful, influential in every right. You just have to wait a while longer and rumours and sparks start to fly. The once mentor and former protégé are now in the middle of a controversy. Battle of words, wits, pay, and most importantly, of loyalty. Then there’s separation and a bitter vendetta that follows in the public eye, that leaves either party yearning for approval.

The boss most likely could have undermined, cheated, exploited the ‘student’ or the student, could have been ungrateful, unbecoming or just literally carried away by successes to now bite the fingers that once fed him. All these allegations go on and on in the public eye.

Loyalty is very much underrated and overrated these days because, mentors are turning into domineering and overbearing overlords,

and protégés are turning into disrespectful, ungrateful and indifferent wretches.

This is my case full stop.  But what I’d like to offer an advice concerning this. I’ll take y’all to the Bible. Timothy 3: 1-3

3 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. ² People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, ³

I hope you know that we’re definitely in the last days, and people will be ungrateful. It’s just the truth. You’ll help people in this life, and they’ll eventually snub, backstab, lie, cheat on, and even reject you, despite your sacrifice. If someone is ungrateful, then somebody probably did something for them, that requires gratitude. That’s just life. People will be what they are. But that’s not all. That’s not where it ends. There’s a solution, and we can get that from the Bible also (yes I’m a church boy lol)

There was once a story in the Bible where Jesus healed ten lepers. Only one came back to thank Him. Jesus asked about the other nine. Yes he expected them to come back, but they didn’t. Only one did. You see, the thing messing us up, is that we keep looking back for the nine and yes they’re meant to be seen given our sacrifice, but what do we do when they never show again, ever? Anytime God uses us to be a blessing to people, we keep looking back expecting much from people; the other nine. Truth is that, they’ll never come back. But apart from the fact that God promises to richly reward you for ever sacrifice, good, investment, even your time you have put into a life, you see there’s a twist to this. If you don’t give up and you keep being a blessing, there will always be that one, maybe more than one that will come along. They’ll appreciate your sacrifice, and this is not something that is forced or contrived, but coming from a grateful heart, that realises your worth and what God is using you to do. Things the majority, the other nine may have been too blind to perceive. But these people that build genuine relationships with us, make the journey easier and more worth it. Paul in the Bible had a couple of ‘ones’ Timothy, Titus, quite a couple of them.

Let go of those other nine, that will never come back, move on, you don’t have to start any form of drama; some people still appreciate you. Some people still think you’re great.

Someone said that, for the fact that somebody doesn’t recognise your worth doesn’t make you worth less. So the message is chill! and also be grateful to those that God has sincerely and honestly used to help you in anyway or form in life. You don’t have to always call them, text them or what have you, we can’t always have this predilection for everybody but whenever you have the opportunity, let them know that they were instrumental to where God has placed you now, or at least be nice to them, respectful and grateful and stop acting there like you got there on your own.

by Uche Emordi @Emordiphilip on twitter

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Open Letter to Gospel Artists, choristers, music directors; singers.

Here is the story of a man called Job;

At one point in his life, his wife told him; ‘’why don’t you curse God and die’’

Hey gospel artists and artistes, let’s talk about Job’s story and contrast and relate it to ourselves. He was in a mess. Lost his family, wealth, and the one person he was not supposed to lose; his wife. No she did not die, she turned to dark ways, she hated him as much as to suggest to him, to end his life! So Job was poor, hated, sick, unrecognised and alone! Even his friends could hardly recognise him; he had no recognition of any sort.

In a way, part of that story describes some of y’all. Now did Job do anything to deserve all this? No! Some of y’all be really ‘’sanging’’ and stuff, a chorister, choir leader, or music director, maybe you have a couple of singles or albums out, but yet, no contract from record labels, no YouTube hits, or awards and accolades. You are not even on the radio or TV; and you might have been in this industry for a while, and just like Job, you are unrecognised, or so it seems.

Now, it isn’t that you are not creative enough, or that you don’t sound good, or that you have not tried to step up your game or that you have no message. If you fall in that category this is not for you. But the harder you’ve worked, it seems that you are not getting the reachability or getting the huge audience and followership commensurable or one you always had in mind or the kind other secular musicians or even other gospel musicians are getting or now have.

And now, the devil is telling you two things as you keep contemplating your next steps and moves. And as you’re thinking, what do I need to get a hit? An album? Single? Video? Concert? Tour? And you’ve tried some of it at other times, and it ended in disappointing spells. And yes the proper frame of mind is that we’re doing this music thing to praise and give glory to God, but let’s face it, when people don’t appreciate you, or as much as even listen to you, it gradually does something to you.

So the devil is telling you, MTV is telling you, TRACE, SOUNDCITY is telling you, why don’t you curse God and die?

It would have made more sense for Job’s wife to tell him to commit suicide, but why did she want him to voice out those words? The enemy wants you to CHANGE YOUR MESSAGE. Just keep that in mind. He wants you to conform, and start bringing out garbage from your mouth.

It’s easier when people will support you no matter what, but what happens when your closest friends, family don’t believe in you or your calling again, because you are not a ‘star?’Job's wife that was supposed to be there for him in dark times left him. It is disappointing I know.

Now this is not for everybody; some gospel musicians are doing pretty well, by every standard; awards, gold, platinum certified recording albums. Some others start slow and pick up, but some other artists are so underrated. The world definitely needs to know, understand, hear and appreciate them more, but that isn’t the case.

So when you're in this situation, you watch other secular videos, E! Channel, BET, MTV, TRACE and all, and you hear the sound and watch the videos and basically see the lives of other secular artists in now popularised reality TV shows, interviews, countdowns, and even trends on twitter and all. At that point, you hate yourself, your gift, your calling, your message, your brand, everything you ever stood for as an artist, you’re now discouraged. And the devil is telling you; give up, or compromise.

Some have given up, some start compromising; you start tailoring your sound, your image, your message, your ministry, and yes! Music is ministry, you start tailoring your ministry to what you think is relevant in the industry.

Now don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with being creative here, after all music has various genres, and I don’t think gospel should be restricted, read this blog I wrote: letter-to-future-artists-and-song-writers-part-1/ . But when you start losing your message, style and ultimately start losing yourself, and who God has called you to be, because you want to be commercial, loved, famous, or feel among, then there is a problem. The devil is confusing you.

But the devil takes the deceit to another level for some; he wants you to compromise your faith completely not subtly. Curse God and end your misery. History is replete with people who started in the church and felt that gospel music was putting them in a box, and immediately they became secular, they blew.

Now understand the devil’s tricks;

• ·        He wants you to start sounding inspirational or positive. Someone in the industry that I respect so much; Kirk Franklin said; ‘’you have a choice, and it’s going to be hard some days, are you going to jump into the inspirational or positive band wagon every day and call God and not offend anybody, or will you take up your cross and realise that as long as you say, Jesus, a lot of doors are going to close in your face, a lot of people are not going to want to hear what you have to say…’’ There is really something about the name; Jesus!

• ·        Switch completely! Your sex appeal can get you to the top. And it’s giving some young artistes some ideas, it is now normal for artists to be sex symbols. At this stage, you’ve lost it.

• ·        Isn’t it shockingly direct that some people have cursed God, and the irony is that, they are so called heavy weights in the industry? Mocking God and Jesus? When you can go as far as naming your album Yeezus… these people were so called Christians at some point.

Do not sell your soul by compromising! Don’t buy the idea that for you to be at the top, to be successful; have no regard for God, his word, start singing about fornication, lust, money, drugs, cars, jets, how much you’re worth or who you know. The bible says that people of this world brag about what they have.

Is that really who you want to be? Is that what you want? Job said something; ‘’I know my redeemer lives.’’ The psalmist says that since he was young and now he is old, he’s never seen the righteous forsaken, or his children beg bread. The preacher in Ecclesiastics said; ‘’ the eyes will never get tired of seeing, and the ears will never get tired of hearing’’ no matter how many songs or artists they already are, there is still an audience for what you have and will ever sing! If I had a dollar for every time God says in His word that, He will never leave us or forsake us, I’d be rich!

The point is, how do you think that God is going to forsake his child that is making his kingdom proud, leading people to Christ, touching lives? In the parable of the lost sheep, the whole of heaven threw a party for one soul that repented. God recognised even that one soul you’ve been able to touch so far, that one soul that is saved because of your ministry and gift. And I know that so far you’ve touched more than one!

Now about the platform, do you think that God will leave you struggling your whole life? I don’t think so!

God said, ask of me, and I will give you the nations and the ends of the earth as your possession. Put your songs in there. Ask God, your songs will be heard ALL over the nations and the ends of the earth! That looks like a huge record deal to me! Have you asked God yet? Now believe Him and have faith. Just like Job; the latter part of his life was far greater than the former, yours will be too. The best is yet to come, you haven’t seen anything yet. You cannot give up now. Just don’t stop doing, singing what God asked you to, if you’re convinced that it’s what he wants from you. Be creative in passing your message across. Who said you have to choose between traditional and contemporary? Be creative and you can have both!   If you are disciplined in your perspective you’ll be victorious in your outcome!

 Uche Emordi

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